The Girly Pledge

(Put your right hand across your left boob and repeat after me):
*I will not live in panty-line denial. I will wear clothes that either covers up my ass sufficiently or underwear that isn't visible through my clothes across three lanes of heavy city traffic on a foggy day.
*I will wear a bra. A real bra, not any number of lazy alternatives that leaves my boobs running around like a pair of sugar-high chihuahuas running around the neighborhood off their leash in desperate need of some restraint.
*I will shave my legs. Not a partial once-over with a razor duller than the last Hillary Clinton political gambit, but something actually capable of landscaping those tree trunks with a degree of pride. If wearing open-toed shoes, I will remember to shave my big toe.
*I will not wear track pants in public anywhere (except possibly to the gym or in front of my television watching late night infomercials with Richard Simmons).
*I will not wear opened-toed Birkenstocks with white socks anywhere that does not have at least three dreadlock wearing judges presiding over some sort of Save the Earth function with no less than 17 "green" powered products on display.
*I promise never to wear a long shirt, sweater, or leftover Cindi Lauper painters smock from the 80's with no pants and a belt and call it a dress.
*No matter what a misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, or sister tells me; I will not wear pantyhose with tennis shoes unless I happen to be Bette Midler or Joan Crawford.
*I will refuse to wear any sort of revealing clothing if my body mass index is triple my shoesize or my IQ, or equal to my street address.
*If I must wear a thong, I will not display them in a crude mailbox flag sort of manner above my low-rise jeans that broadcasts I have a package for delivery.
*I will resist the urge to wear any sort of family-made pantsuit or shirt decorated with items commonly found on sale at Hobby Lobby in public barring the one-time oblitigory wearing to that same family member's house for dinner to tell them how much I adore it.
*I will promise to only wear jeans that are clean, hole and rip free, lacking any sort of doodle or otherwise improved on by means of pens or markers, manufactured in the last 5 years, and of course that actually fit without the need to do the granny tug every 3 minutes to keep them from falling down in a fit of glory on my shoes.
*I will be brutally honest with myself when it chilly outside and take appropriate measures to ensure that I am neither accused of having a pair of English pointing dogs under my shirt nor that I have noticable "headlights" broadcasting my inner-coldness.

~~Thanks Di~~